


An Exchange of Fire

by quenchmysoul



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Goodbyes, M/M, POV Second Person, Vancouver Canucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-12
Updated: 2013-04-12
Packaged: 2017-12-08 05:57:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/757867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quenchmysoul/pseuds/quenchmysoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Let's say you want him, need him, but can't ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Exchange of Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Title from a poem by Susan Musgrave. 
> 
> Written in October 2011. Posting for archiving purposes.

  
_... only by entering fire can I/ put the fire out. This time I might finally/ do it. It may be a threat, an end to pain,/ or all there is left to make of love._

\- Susan Musgrave, **"An Exchange of Fire"**

There is a room. 

A room you know very, very well. You spend a lot of time here. You know how many steps it will take to reach the door. How many seconds it will take to reach the lamp resting on the night table. You keep the door open in case you hear noises from the room down the hall. But, right now the air is still. So, let's say you are laying on your back, eyes shut, the cotton of the sheets draped across your waist.

Let's say you hear your Blackberry buzz from its spot on the night-table. And, let's say you know exactly how many seconds it will take for you to reach out and pick it up. How many seconds it will take for you to flick on the lamp. 

Stop. 

Pick up your phone.

You don't have to glance at the display to know who's voice will be on the other end of the line.

\- - -

So, let's say there was a moment after you hit the ice, where all you could remember seeing was red, and all you could hear was 'Kev … you all right?' before the pain finally overcame you and the darkness took over. Remember? You remember waking up in a hospital bed, your leg bandaged and elevated. You remember seeing your family, him, and the rest of the team as they crowd into your hospital room to ask how you feel.

The steady stream of 'Thank god you're all right' and 'You'll be back before you know it' filter over your form, but you only seem to have eyes for him.

\- - -

Let's say your recovery takes months. Months of you watching practices from the bench, crutches leaning against a wall as your teammates skate by you. His eyes always catch yours. Blue hitting blue. And, that moment your eyes meet has a strange, ethereal quality to it. It's strangely dreamlike. But, maybe, just maybe, it is a dream.

The better question though is whether or not you want the dream to end. 

Your answer is no.

\- - -

Soft hands ghost over your skin, slightly calloused palms press against the skin of your hips.

_Kev_ … he'll breathe. 

And, let's say you'll let him fist his fingers in your hair as you go down on him. A flick of your tongue along the underside of his cock, a jerk of your wrist, and he'll come undone. You'll look up at him right before his orgasm rips through his system, and he'll come in your mouth. 

He helps you to your feet, and as your lips meet, the taste of him melting on your tongue like sugar, feels like a dream. 

You think if it is a dream, you really don't want anyone to wake you.

At least not yet.

\- - -

Let's say you want him. Think about him all the time.

Think about his hands on your skin. The way he gasps out your name and bucks his hips as you slide your mouth down his dick.

You want him. Mind, body, and soul. But you don't know how.

How to want him.

How to tell him. 

Because, how can you want someone the same way you wanted Katie? 

The same way you want Katie.

And, oh God, can you really want two people?

\- - -

So, the room. Go back here.

The insistent buzzing of your Blackberry sounds like a bee caught somewhere between two flowers. 

Press the 'send' button on the keypad. Press your phone to your ear. 

_Sami_ … you breathe.

Silence for a full minute or so before you hear him say, _Did I wake you?_

_No. Haven't gotten any sleep yet._

_How's the family?_

You glance over to the bare space in the bed. Katie left a day ago, Cole and Reese went with her. You're leaving for Ontario in … you glance at the red lights on the digital clock … less than eight hours. 

As you let Sami's question permeate the small space surrounding you, you can't help but think about all the times Cole and Reese have climbed up to rest in the small space that would separate you and Katie. How many times Katie has rolled onto her side to stare at you. Her dark eyes rich and full of life. 

And, really, you love her. Can't picture your life if she wasn't there. It's just … she's another piece of the puzzle. Another piece, another tangible piece of what matters. Much like what Sami is. 

_Kev? You still there?_

_Yeah_ , you'll reply. Katie and the kids are already in Ontario. You rub your face in an effort to stay awake. _Why are you calling? Did something happen?_

Laughter. 

_No,_ Sami will say. _Nothing's happened. I just … just wanted to hear your voice._

_I miss you,_ you'll manage to get out.

_I know._

_Short summer this time around._

_Yeah,_ you agree. 

_Do you think … do you think we'll both be back in September?_

You know what he's referring to, but it doesn't hurt any less.

_I want us both to be back,_ you admit. _I have every confidence that we'll reach some kind of consensus._

_But just say …_

_Sami … listen to me. It'll - We'll work it out._

_I always listen to you,_ he says.

You smile. _I know._

Silence on the line. You think Sami's hung up, but then you hear rustling in the background, and what you think is a door being shut. 

_Where are you?_

_Somewhere,_ Sami replies cryptically.

You sigh, and run a hand through your hair as silence falls between you two again. The seconds drag on. The silence is heavy, and you can't think of what to say, so you let the seconds drag on. 

The shrill sound of your doorbell being rung jars you from your thoughts. 

_Who would be ringing the bell now?_ you half-mutter as you make your way down the stairs to the door.

_Just open the door, Kev._

\- - -

There is an entrance hallway.

Let's say you know this hallway very well, having to usher the kids out to door every morning. You know how many steps it takes to open the closet door. How many more steps it will take to flick on the lights and unbolt the door. How many more seconds it will take to get the door open.

And ... 

Let's say this happens:

_We didn't say goodbye. At least not properly,_ Sami says, before he ends your call. 

Let's say - 

_Come here,_ you breathe, reaching a hand out to grip his shirt and all but hauling him inside. 

Close the door. 

Turn out the lights. 

Lock the door. 

Say goodbye … _properly._


End file.
